Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
