I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize