I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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