I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Boobs speak an international language.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
