No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
3 2 1 whiskey
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
