The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
