i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
