You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
