did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
