Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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