God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
