Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
