mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
if only i could text you this smell
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
