She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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