You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
