Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
