You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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