It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
