How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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