Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
