I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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