I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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