My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize