This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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