he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
