Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
