I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
