Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
