We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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