Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize