can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
