The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
