I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
