it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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