Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
