apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
