I'm lost and stupid without you.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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