When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I understand Curling. That high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
