...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it's like iHOP with fire
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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