she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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