Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
