You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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