so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
