I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
