my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
