So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
