It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
