from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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