My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize