i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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