All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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