i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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