Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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