I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
