twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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