There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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