He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
