I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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