You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
