Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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