I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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