After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i think my cat just said my name.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
