does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
